I have been trying to be a good citizen and pour myself into completely alienating labor. That’s what we former inmates are supposed to do. That means I haven’t been posting about Trump nonsense at all, but let’s break with that tradition, shall we?
So, Trump wants to renovate and reopen Alcatraz as a prison. To prove I’m not hallucinating, I can offer you this article from the AP. Well, that ought to solve everything! I’ll list below as many reasons as I can think of why this constitutes multi-level dipshittery, but I just wanted to point out that I’m not sure to be offended or flattered; after all, I do use Alcatraz as my wallpaper for this site. Is Trump trying to flatter me or troll me?
- Dipshit reason #1: Alcatraz is a national historic place and part of a national recreation area. It couldn’t possibly be a pain in the ass to get that status revoked and the property turned back over to the Department of Justice and get the BOP involved in getting things set up.
- Dipshit reason #2: The prison was closed in 1963 partly because it was too expensive to operate. But we’ve been through about 60 years of deflation now, so you can probably get by on running the revamped prison on nickels per day.
- Dipshit reason #3: USA Today pointed out that Don, Jr. floated this idea on social media back in January. Its dipshit origin took 4 months to percolate up the moronic vetting chain, so now we know it’s been well-vetted.
- Dipshit reason #4: Trump has clearly never been to the place. Anyone who has ever set foot on the island intuitively knows this is a bad idea. I know San Francisco triggers him, so we can’t expect him to visit, but let’s find a New York analogy for reviving Alcatraz. I know, let’s take the USS Intrepid, which is now a national historical landmark just like Alcatraz, and convert that back into a war-fighting naval vessel and send it off the Persian Gulf as a main line of military deterrence! No?
- Dishit reason #5: Maybe this is just a plan to troll people in SF. You know, another chance to own Nancy Pelosi. Too late. That mission was accomplished years ago. It’s about as productive as pointing out that poor Eric isn’t very competent or that thesauruses worldwide are considering adding “Ivanka” as a synonym for “opportunist.”
- Dipshit reason #6: He’s approaching this as if he’s a real-estate-developer-in-chief. That’s not in his job description, and it’s not a good development idea, either. I suppose I can see the impulse to transform Alcatraz into the Mar-a-Lago of prisons, but I can also see that utter dipshittery.
- Dipshit reason #7: This is the kind of idea someone gets by watching old movies. Trump says Alcatraz is a “symbol of law and order. You know, it’s got quite a history.” This is a dipshit’s understanding of history. It also suggests that he needs to become much more intimately familiar with how incarceration works.
- Dipshit reason #8: Trump is quoted as saying, “For too long, America has been plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat Criminal Offenders, the dregs of society, who will never contribute anything other than Misery and Suffering. When we were a more serious Nation, in times past, we did not hesitate to lock up the most dangerous criminals, and keep them far away from anyone they could harm. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.” Pot. Kettle. Black.
- Dipshit reason #9: Even if you seriously remodeled and expanded Alcatraz, we are talking about a limited footprint for the prison. It probably will not be large enough to house all the criminals in the Trump administration. Why not build a big, beautiful new building for that? You know, something with all the amenities the well-heeled deserve.
- Dipshit reason #10: This seems to be a breathless, unconsidered brainstorm, much like the idea that we need to colonize Mars before it’s too late. Because, you know, if we’re ruining Earth, there’s no chance we will fuck up Mars in exactly the same way or that we can’t better use our resources not to fuck up Earth in the first place. But sometimes we keep questionable company, and it rubs off. That’s why I have to certify every month that I haven’t been hanging around convicted felons.
- Dipshit reason #11: As far as I know, we aren’t lacking maximum security prisons. But maybe this is aspirational. A tyrant can dream.
- Dipshit reason #12: As far as I know, pretty much nobody wants to work in the Bureau of Prisons, and they are cutting retention pay for people who already work in the BOP. But personnel issues can be resolved, I guess, but having Alcatraz work on the maximum security honor principle.
- Dipshit reason #13: Is Trump suggesting that the people he’s putting in prisons are escaping? Is that the real reason the Rock needs to come back? If so, can we get more information about that? We probably need to know.
- Dipshit reason #14: As you might have already read in the blog, Alcatraz — and all other federal prisons — are the model of government efficiency. No waste, fraud, or abuse there. No tremendous outlays of money for virtually no return. But I don’t know; maybe Barron has a plan to finance this all with crypto in ways that are just way too complicated for me to grasp.
- Dipshit reason #15: Alcatraz is a Depression-era prison, so maybe we can read some economic tea leaves into this. It’s a kind of brilliant, symbolic foreshadowing. It’s announcing the WPA without having to announce the WPA. So on brand!
- Dipshit reason #16: We should all take comfort in this: “A spokesperson for the Bureau of Prisons said in a statement that the agency “will comply with all Presidential Orders.” The spokesperson did not immediately answer questions from The Associated Press regarding the practicality and feasibility of reopening Alcatraz or the agency’s role in the future of the former prison given the National Park Service’s control of the island.” The BOP is going to go with “policy,” so nothing could possibly go wrong.
This list of dipshittery is not exhaustive. Feel free to add your own items.