Back when I was a respectable human being, each day on my way to the office I would walk past a display case in which creative young men and women showcased talents that had learned when it came to working a printing press. One of the cases featured pages of an “abcedary” they had made. It’s a strange term, but you actually know what it is. It’s a list of the letters of the alphabet, and you can see why that might be a “thing” for printers to showcase. An abcedary can also take the form of those children’s books meant to teach them the alphabet and letters: the classic “A is for Apple …. Z is for Zebra” book. Sometimes they have little rhymes that go with the letters and pictures.
So, in my creative back and forth with Skateboard, I decided to give him a little poem I knew he would enjoy. If he can make stick figure comics, I can make an abcedary. There exists, and I will post at another time, a much longer and more detailed prison abcedary that, because it is prolix, is more or less self explanatory. This one might not mean as much to you if you haven’t done time, but for Skateboard it’s full of subtle and multiple meanings. For example, “A is for Apple” seems like just a throw away, unless you are an inmate and know that when the prison says “fruit” on the menu, there is a 90% chance the you are going to get an apple. So, it’s a little bit of inside humor, but I hope you get out of it what you can. I provided a few notes below. Now it seems as if I’m trying to present you with The Wasteland or something…. Actually, if there is a graphic artist (especially a formerly incarcerated one) out there whom this inspires, let me know and we might be able to work on publishing something: your illustrations, my words.
A is for Apple, all shiny and red. B is for Bitches, all snug in their beds. C is for C.O.'s, about whom, 'nuf said. D is for how much I wish I were Dead. E is for Elmo, who giggles and squeaks1. F is for dope Fiend who constantly tweaks. G is for Goon Squad that will beat your ass. H is for Haters whom they give a pass2. I is for Inmates all out in the yard, And their fellow Imbeciles working as guards. J is for Jurczak3 who's really a card, Though others would say he is kind of a 'tard. K is for Kitchen with ptomaine potential. L is for Lanyards that show you are special4. M is for Mailroom that censors for fun. N's for Nutrition, of which there is none. O is for Onions you grow in the garden, Or ones that you steal while awaiting your pardon. P is for Paperwork, proving your cred5. Q is for Queers whom you pay to get head. R is for Recall. Go back you your cage.6 S is for Slock, a fine weapon of rage.7 It's also for Skateboard. He's sick. Don't engage. T is for Team Meeting, always quite whacky8. U is for Uniforms, visions in khaki. V is for getting parole Violations. W's Work Call. I need a vacation.9 X is for guards whom you might call Xantippe, Female sorts who are prone to get lippy. Y is for undercooked, unseasoned Yams. Z is for Zada and all of his scams.10 These are the letters at this FCI. Milan's a prison that's kind of a sty. 1 Elmo was a nickname we gave a particular inmate who always tried to come off like a tough guy, but when he get excited about something, had this weird habit of speaking in a super-high voice I thought sounded like Elmo the Muppet. 2 Haters is the general term for white supremacists, their allies, and hangers on. 3 Jurczak was one of the higher up officials at the prison, known for an especially deadpan demeanor 27/7/365. 4 Inmates in the drug treatment program and the faith-based religious unit wore special lanyards to identify themselves. General populations inmates did not have these. 5 Paperwork refers to court documents of your indictment and conviction that people use to "prove" they aren;t a sntich, sex offender, or any other kind of "undesirable." It's illegal and quite common for certain inmates to ask others to "show me your paperwork" before they will "hang" with people they don't know. Paperwork can also be faked as easily as a college term paper. 6 When the prison PA sounds "recall" you have to stop whatever you are doing and get back you your cell within 10 minutes. Some recalls are on a regular schedule and some mean there is something brewing. 7 A "slock" is a padlock (which inmates use to secure their lockers) places inside a sock and used as a weapon. It's a very common weapon, easily dismantles to dispose of evidence, at allegedly also the weapon used to kill Whitey Bulger when he finally went to prison. 8 Team Meeting is the yearly "check up" inmates are given with prison officials that is supposed to monitor their "progress," and provide a forum for information and answering inmate questions. It's a pro-forma joke that goes nowhere and helps noone. 9 At (or around) 7:30Am Monday through Friday, the prison PA announces "Work Call" which means that most inmates with prison jobs are supposed to report to work at that time. You have 10 minutes, unless the lieutenant making the call decides that it should be 4 minutes. 10 Like Elmo, Zada is a real inmate, also a friend to Skateboard and me. Ironically, Elmo and Zada both occupied the same cell, but at different times during my incarceration.